My Child is Too Anxious! What Can I do?

Anxiety like never before
Is the situation worse now these days or are we just imagining it? There's no doubt our childhoods were different to those of our children. There are social pressures on our kids that we didn't have, such as (the big one) social media, cyber bullying, media images affecting body image, fewer stay-at-home parents, faster paced everything, dietary changes, less outside play and more.

Some level of anxiety is NORMAL. But a lot of kids seem to suffer too much with anxious thoughts. This is when parents sometimes become alarmed and look for help.

What is 'normal' anxiety?
It's normal to be a little anxious about these sorts of things:

• first day at school
• seeing a new doctor
• meeting a relative you've never met
• being alone in the dark
• going to bed in winter
• a dog barking at you
• hurting yourself
• getting lost
• losing track of Mum when shopping

Normal anxiety:

• feels uncomfortable, but not life threatening. 
• passes fairly quickly.
• is often overcome with encouragement
• can be talked through and managed

When anxiety levels rise and spill over to heightened anxiety that cannot be contained, or the anxiety stops your child from interacting normally, then we're entering into phobias/obsessive thoughts/panic attacks territory.

source

What are the physical symptoms of anxiety?
Anxiety is a natural mechanism in our brains designed to keep us safe from danger. It involves:

• the brain
• blood circulation
• hormonal system
• muscular system

It begins with a thought in our consciousness, which makes us aware of danger. This triggers a reaction in our brain, which causes adrenaline to be released, which raises our heart rate. Blood flows to our limbs getting us ready to run away or fight. The feeling of needing to run is very high. This is a chemical reaction in our body. Perfectly normal. And if the danger goes away or proves to be a false reaction (no actual danger), the chemicals dissipate and our body returns to normal.

Normally, these physical changes are lightning fast and uncontrollable. As soon as the thought enters our head, the changes occur. Similarly, as soon as we realise there is no actual danger, the thought triggers a calming down process.

It is also normal to have sweaty hands and forehead, a thumping sensation in the chest, tingling in the hands. But, as I mentioned, these feeling pass.

How do I know if my child is experiencing too  much anxiety?
Sometimes extra 'sensitive' children may feel anxious over smaller, trivial things. Or children may feel heightened emotions due to trauma they have experienced or are in the middle of experiencing, such as family break-up, death of a loved one, relocation to a totally new environment. Many children with Asperger's Syndrome or Attention Deficit Disorder experience intense anxiety as part of their condition.

There are lots of triggers in a child's life that can cause a rise in anxiety symptoms. This usually passes with time and gentle understanding on the part of the adults in their life.

If a child:

• is having trouble breathing, 
• their eyes are wide and they have a look of terror on their face, 
• suddenly screams 
• hides in their room crying over a trivial matter
• can't stop crying
• refuses flatly to go to school
• becomes physically violent in their panic
• vomits from stress

These are symptoms of distress. Your child needs help. 

How do I help my anxious child?

The first step is to make an appointment with your GP. Do a bit of research and find a GP with counseling experience or one who specialises in children. This advice is for referals to appropriate counselling, not medicating!

Secondly, begin reading up on strategies for managing childhood anxiety. From my work with children and their parents over 28 years I have written a book especially for children. It talks very candidly about the symptoms of anxiety, why they occur and how to handle them. The focus of the book is upon the child learning about themselves and how to move forward in their life without being held back by this often debilitating condition.

 

12 Annoying Monsters - Self talk for Kids with Anxiety 

It's packed with information, fun activities and is designed to get parents and children talking about this very issue. There are many useful tools in this book that parents and children have loved. It has also been used by psychologists and counsellors in their practices.

"My son loved it. I thought it was absolutely brilliant. It was insightful, compassionate and used kid-friendly language. I truly enjoyed reading it. I only wish I had a book like this when I was a child."

– Flavia Young, Publicist and blogger

"Your 'Monsters' book is excellent Dawn. I am giving it to my daughter (Special Needs Teacher) to see if she can utilise it in her work as well."

– H. Mayr, Psychologist

 

"I thought the tone and amount of content were just right for pre-teens and teens who might feel constantly preached at by parents. The author provides age-appropriate examples of what it might feel or look like to experience some of the emotions discussed, and strategies someone might try to overcome them. I especially liked the section about how to take care of yourself, eat right, get enough and the right kind of rest. All important stuff!" - Jannette Matula

 

 "Great discussion points for my kid clients in therapy. The illustrations could have been better/more poignant but I like the simple explanations." - Rita Zimmerman

 

 

A little book that's been helping anxious kids for 13 years

 

With the new school year of 2025 looming in a matter of weeks, for some children this means anxiety, poor sleep, worrying about a new teacher and classroom, new school etc. New situations can be challenging for anxious kids. Sometimes parents feel a little overwhelmed and not sure how to handle the situation. 

But help is here!

When I wrote this little book for my clients, in the Christmas holidays, back in 2013, I had no idea it would be needed all over the world! But 12 Annoying Monsters has struck a chord with kids and their parents for over a decade now. I am glad it's been of help to teachers and counsellors too. Here's what a couple of people said about it:

5.0 out of 5 stars and then the 12 monsters themselves are a useful tool for a child to identify with

Reviewed in the United States on 25 February 2015

Verified Purchase

We have tried so many books and workbooks for my anxious 6 year old son and this is the one that 'spoke to him' and has been an ongoing, useable resource. I found the information in the book really helpful for understanding anxiety and particularly the body's response to it, and then the 12 monsters themselves are a useful tool for a child to identify with. Reading the title of each made me smile as Dawn Meredith certainly has done an amazing job of identifying the different types of anxiety. Thank you for this book, it really has made a difference to us, and I've recommended it to others many times.

 

5.0 out of 5 stars Great discussion points for my kid clients in therapy

Reviewed in the United States on 17 September 2015

Verified Purchase

Great discussion points for my kid clients in therapy... I like the simple explanations.

 

If your child is worrying about the new school year, perhaps my little book can help.

BUY HERE

 

 

 

Anxious kids and covid - how much to tell them?

 photo source

It's always a dilemma, as either a parent or a teacher, how much to tell the child in your care about Covid and its effects.

 

Children are naturally curious and with the saturation of TV, youtube, various other platforms such as snapchat (which I don't recommend for children under 16 anyway) and of course facebook, it's difficult for children to filter out what is real information and what is scary hype. That's where you come in! As an adult you have the life experience and maturity to know what is real or fake news, but how much to tell your child?

 

I guess you've noticed how bad news travels lightning fast, especially on social media. With every new variant of the Corona virus our tech companions have flooded us with information, some of it helpful, some just sheer sensationalism. I find it  worrying just how much wrong information is out there, which is why we don't have the TV connected. There's news, and then there's the overly dramatic. I find I have little patience with it these days!

 

Firstly, before you inform your child, make sure you have good, solid, scientific evidenced based information yourself. (ie: not facebook). Government websites, the World health Organisation, the Mayo Clinic, Infectious Disease Control etc. Whatever is relevant in your country.

 

So, how much to tell your child?

Of course it depends on their age and sensitivity. Children under 5 need only know that germs are invisible things which make us sick and to avoid that we wear a mask, wash our hands and avoid large crowds or close physical contact with strangers and people we know are sick with it. True, the symptoms are most often like the flu, but for some people Covid 19 is deadly. Let's not forget that. And one of those people could be your child. It's best I think to focus upon basic hygiene as a matter of course. This is behaviour and habits which we want our kids to develop for their entire life, not just during a pandemic. Modelling how to wash your hands, blow your nose, and keep your own germs away from others is part of this. Children as young as 3 can learn to wash their hands properly, with soap and all over the skin surface of their hands. Covering their mouth when they sneeze or cough is also very important. You  could make this an activity by getting out the pencils and textas and paper and drawing pictures of people doing the right thing and not doing the right thing. Let their creativity loose by asking what they thing covid germs look like and draw them! You could also tell it as a story, illustrating it together, or your child could record the story onto your phone. It's a lot of fun for kids to hear themselves speaking!

Children who are very anxious tend to magnify the danger and ruminate over the possibilities until they can't sleep or struggle to control their fears at school and home. It's wise not to burden them with too many details, but if they are school aged, say 6-12 years old, a good idea is to create a little project together, with basic information, pictures, drawings to illustrate and diagrams, of the human body for instance. You could even discuss the body's natural immune system and how it protects us. Positive aspects of disease management are vital for anxious kids. It shouldn't be all bad news. There are actually things we can do to minimise our exposure and therefore have a measure of control over it. Make a video together giving practical advice to children. Also, keep the social aspects of your child's life open by inviting a friend over, one whom you know is low risk and has parents with a similar philosophy. They could put on a play or perform a song for you!

 

Of course you should immunise your child, (unless specifically instructed not to by your General Practitioner).

 

So, to sum up:

children aged 2-5 years -

• discuss germs as little creatures we can't see that make us sick.
• draw them! And make it a fun activity. 
• model hygienic behaviours
• record a verbal story about covid creatures or hygiene etc.

Children aged 6-12 - 

• create a project together with diagrams, drawings, basic information and prevention tips.
• discuss the body's natural immune system and how it works to keep us safe
• discuss how to minimise exposure
• make a video together for other children
• encourage socialising with low risk children 
• encourage putting on activities like a play or performing a song about covid germs etc.

If you want more tips on managing anxiety in your child, have a look at my book for kids - 12 Annoying Monsters - Self Talk for Kids with Anxiety

 

 

Cotton Wool Kids - How Overprotective Parenting is Actually Harming Our Children

source

What is happening to our kids?
What we are seeing in the media and particularly on the news at university campuses is a rise in mental and emotional disorders among our kids and young adults. We all want our children to grow up safe and happy, don't we? But what if the way we are parenting is making them the opposite? In unpicking this tangle of an issue I want to focus on the influences on a child's life, how a child's brain is affected by their activities, what is making kids and young adults so afraid and the characteristics we need to develop in our kids.

What is driving this phenomenon
My personal opinion is formed by my formal education as a Special Ed and High School Teacher and Counselor and from working with at-risk kids for almost three decades. It's not something I just came up with a minute ago, it's a problem I have observed for a long time. Thirty years means the kids I taught when I first graduated are now parents. What sort of parenting are they providing? What examples did these young parents have? The children of these parents are now finishing high school and starting university.

How can kids from loving families feel such despair?
What I've noticed is that more children are presenting with emotional despair, PTSD, suicidal tendencies and uncontrolled anxiety. In the last ten years as a teacher I was shocked at the number of quietly despairing children who had already contemplated how they would kill themselves. And these were kids of  ordinary people, loving parents. Children feel less able to cope with basic elements of life. They feel powerless and overwhelmed and therefore are too reliant upon adults instead of figuring things out for themselves. Where is the resilience?

There's a prevalence of 'getting in touch with your feelings' and expressing them openly that probably came from a sensible idea but has led, in reality, to a preoccupation with one's own feelings to the expense of the feelings of others. I've also noticed a rise in anger issues and a blaming culture. None of these things enable children to develop healthy social habits or give them a positive sense of themselves and their abilities.

An unhealthy attitude shift
There's been an attitude shift and not just at the university level. What we have now is a tidal wave of intolerance -

• intolerance of others' opinions 
• intolerance of difficulties they encounter
• intolerance of any form of hierarchy
• intolerance of authority
• intolerance of debate
• intolerance of political differences
• intolerance of others' feelings

What is the relationship between the rise in anxiety and depression and this  anger and intolerance?

Is technology to blame?
My short answer is, yes, partly. Children in Primary school are spending a lot less time playing outside in the dirt and on grass, sorting out their differences, communicating directly, having to cooperate. Where are they? Indoors, staring at their phone or tablet, on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat etc. or watching movies and TV shows. Among college students their virtual life can overtake their actual life, bringing with it all sorts of problems such as mobile phone addiction and sleeplessness. According to David Rosenberg, Professor of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, Wayne State University 1 in 5 university students suffers with anxiety and depression. And what does he put top of his list as a factor? Dangers in technology. In an insightful article, here he explains:

Social media and technology are among the most dangerous of these factors. Excessive use of each tends to engender impaired social interactions and an increased sense of isolation.

Excessive social media use also fosters a certain competition between one’s real life and one’s virtual life. That is, a tug of war between being engrossed in posting experiences on social media, sending texts and taking selfies instead of enjoying the moment for what it’s worth.

Many college students are living dual virtual and real lives, and the virtual life is competing and at times becomes more important than real life. This is not only something that those of us in the trenches see clinically but it has been well- documented in research studies.

Several other studies have found that mobile phone addiction, as well as excess smartphone use, is also associated with increased sleep disturbance, depression, anxiety and overall stress.

These habits begin at home when children are young. It's just too easy for parents to give in and let children sit there, unmoving, for hours. And this lack of interaction is having a huge impact, both mentally and physically.

A lack of physical movement is making our kids dumber
What a lot of people may not understand is that physical movement in childhood is vital to cognitive development. Kids learn so much from interacting with their environment - climbing trees, playing with water, jumping over obstacles, squeezing through tunnels. They become attuned to their body, which helps them control it and become aware of what is around them. Their brain grows faster and stronger from having to navigate obstacles, think about how to solve problems, work out the best option, interact with others and manage risk. Their mental processing, and mostly importantly, self regulation, grows too as they ask themselves:

• Which way would fit better? 
• What is safer? 
• How far can I lean without losing my balance? 
• How strong am I? 
• Can my arms support my weight?
• If I pedal harder will I make it up the hill?
• If I rest a bit I can then keep going
• Should I share this?
• Does he/she need help getting up?
• How far can I throw this?
• How can I make sure he/she catches it?
• What's that noise?
• How can we cooperate so we both get what we want?

Daniel Goleman, in his ground breaking book, Emotional Intelligence, says: "...how crucial it is for social competence to notice, interpret, and respond to emotional and interpersonal cues." This you cannot learn from chatting online and using emojis! In fact, emojis were created because people were misinterpreting each other online, because virtual communication, by its very nature deprives users of the vital body and facial cues of others which make up 70% of human interaction.

source

University protests are the new fascism
I support the idea of protest against injustice, of course I do. But what I am noticing now is the aggressive intolerance of young adults to anything that they don't agree with. The anger and hatred is so powerful! And misguided. Guest speakers have had to be escorted safely off campus by police. Students have tried to sue other students for simply using campus resources they wanted segregated for a particular group. Ironically, in the name of 'tolerance' more rifts are appearing, more delineations, groups and identities separate from the rest. Being 'special and different' has become an obsession. Being angry at someone has become the norm. Saying whatever you like without allowing others the same right has become acceptable. I've witnessed outrageous, infantile public behaviour that left me shaking my head in disbelief.

The expectation seems to be that everyone must think the same, that no one is allowed to discuss or debate or present their ideas rationally, calmly and intelligently. I hear statements like: "You can't say that!" and "That's offensive!" 

I've seen 'protests' used as a form of suppression of free speech and the free flow of ideas. It's a new form of fascism, by people who claim to be fighting fascism! Hilarious really, if it wasn't so dangerous. The sheer audacity of some of the students who elect themselves moral judge of others beggars belief. And unfortunately, the rise of Political Correctness has created and nourished this monster.

In their brand new book, The Coddling of the American Mind, moral psychologist Jonathon Haidt and free speech lawyer Greg Lukianoff discuss an interesting paradox that is emerging in American universities; a campus radicalism which fuses fragility with extreme intolerance. This generation has been brought up protected and coddled but has this produced young adults who protect and coddle others? The opposite is true. Their intellectual energy has been misdirected into an inward facing philosophy. Inner rage is surfacing, looking for a target and any target will do. Instead of uniting for a cause that actually produces something positive for society, the focus seems to be upon ripping everything apart. Instead of feeling strong and independent, confident in their own thoughts but OPEN TO OTHERS' OPINIONS we end up with rage, irrational behaviour and, to put it bluntly, self centred, attention seeking behaviour and an overriding fear of practically everything. Worse, it's becoming ubiquitous.

So why are these young adults so angry and afraid?
It comes back to parenting, to the messages they received from school, the media and peers. This generation grew up with Facebook, fake news, an obsession with looks that borders on hysteria and a declining sense of decorum, modesty, thoughtfulness of others and a sense of duty to society. This generation has whatever they want, just one click away. They've been sitting there in the corner chatting online, inside the virtual world instead of being out in the real world, coping with reality. Their expectations are therefore warped by this artificial world. Their sense of their place in the broader society is warped.

When I ask kids what they want to do when they grow up/leave school quite a few lately have said "Social Justice." I respond with, "That's not an actual job, it's an idea. What do you want to be?" They are fed a diet of fighting against every different opinion, without regard to evidence, proof or debate. I was gobsmacked when my kid came home from school one day spewing hatred about the Prime Minister. When I challenged the assumption and asked for proof she had very little understanding (of course) of BOTH sides of the issue they had apparently 'discussed' at school. She came home with blind vitriol, instead of respect for the office of Prime Minister. The hatred she displayed was quite alarming. It wasn't a healthy questioning of authority as part of a democratic society. And the broader effect has perhaps escaped the notice of teachers/adults - if a child can't feel safe in the knowledge that the leader of their country, the adult at the highest level, is competent and respected, what hope do they have of feeling confident about their community, their school, their family?

A similar over-the-top reaction was evident the day Donald Trump was declared the new USA President. My child, who lives in Australia mind you, came home visibly distressed, saying Donald Trump was going to kill people and blow up the world. I patiently explained that Trump had won a democratic election, that Americans wanted a change, that there were issues we didn't understand because it's not our country and that it was none of our business. I assured her that no one was going to blow up her world, that she was safe. It begs the question: did she get these ideas from her teacher? Doubtful. The media and other kids? Highly probable.

So if the media are deciding how a child feels about themselves and their world, and the media is driven by appealing to our baser instincts, catastrophising for money, of course children are going to be anxious! Have you watched the news lately? Have you seen any music videos lately? Have you seen what kids are saying to each other online lately? What they're watching?

It's not uncommon for me to go to a cinema to watch a film rated MA (15 years +) and see young kids in the audience. I was absolutely horrified recently to see the trailer for a new MA rated movie, supposedly a comedy, with clearly adult content and, of all things, Muppets. Yep, you read that correctly. Muppets. So, I'm wondering just which audience is this film made for? Young kids are going to beg to see it, because it's got harmless 'Muppets' they recognise from Sesame Street. Movie ratings are decided by a panel of our peers for very good reasons - to protect children from things they don't yet understand. And yet parents ignore them. The moviemakers are partly responsible. They know that children are going to be attracted to seeing this adult content movie but they make it anyway. So it's up to parents to put on the brakes and make an ethical decision for their child. But will they?

We have a situation now where children as young as five have body image issues. Where does that come from? I can't see the average mum looking down their nose and making snide comments about their five year old's weight, can you? But glamourising the 'perfect' body and face is a big part of almost every reality show on TV, in every magazine on display in the newsagent.

Online influences and filters
Parents, I believe, give in too early to the incessant demands for a) a phone and b) unsupervised internet access. Both of these are disastrous. We are not born with built-in filters. This is a skill we learn. Hopefully from our parents. What parents are doing is allowing their kids to make the important decisions, thinking this is giving them responsibility, when it is in fact the parents' responsibility to keep them away from harmful online influences and teach them how to manage their online habits. In any case, why does a child of nine need a phone? It's not for safety. They are always under the care and supervision of adults, whether it's at home, at school or on the bus in between. A phone is primarily for communication. But these days it's used as a babysitter. The result is kids become preoccupied with the minutiae, the tiny unimportant aspects of life, such as what people are wearing and saying. This affects how kids see and value themselves. And it's rarely a positive influence.

It's well documented that when children are exposed to violent content, it becomes reflected in their behaviour. Of course it does! Otherwise advertisers wouldn't be making gazillions every day. What we watch becomes part of us.

source

So what's this got to do with overprotecting kids?

As E.D. Hill, journalist and mother of eight children says in her excellent book, I'm Your Parent, Not Your Friend :

"After decades of experts telling us to raise our children in the opposite way than our ancestors, because 'it's better for the child,' we are struggling with problems they never expected. The theories of kids have greater autonomy from their parents, wearing clothing that expresses their individuality; attending open, non-judgemental schools and receiving unconditional approval have been an abysmal failure. The result is increasingly violent juvenile crime, extreme disobedience, staggering rates of depression, millions of children on medicine to help them behave normally, and skyrocketing obesity." (p.200)

Life Skills Your Child Needs

My view is, by the time your child finishes school they need to have these basics:

1. Social aptitude. Being able to read social cues, understand the 'feel' of a situation by noticing body language and facial/voice cues of others is extremely important for not just everyday life, but for functioning in the working environment as well as intimate relationships.
2. Personal care. This doesn't just mean showering! It means knowing how to cook proper healthy meals for yourself, keep your living environment clean and tidy, disposing of your rubbish thoughtfully etc. Dressing appropriately!
3. Manners. Being thoughtful of others, showing care and concern, (even if you don't agree with their ideology!) Basic politeness, especially in public spaces!
4. Conflict resolution. Respect means we can agree to disagree. Shake hands and walk away. You don't get to decide what other's think and feel! There are often two sides and it's important to understand both. Intelligent, rational people are interested in understanding views different to their own. It makes for a more well rounded person and more cohesive society.
5. Respectful of authority and public amenities. Everywhere you go, every public amenity you use, whether its a train, a bus station, a road, a toilet, a hospital or a library, has been built from tax dollars paid by working citizens. The people in charge of the enormous task of delivering those services, human though they are, deserve our respect and compliance. Trashing public amenities is kicking tax payers in the face and all the hard work ordinary people do to build facilities.
6. Have goals for yourself. Immediate and long term planning, working towards goals, having a positive attitude, not waiting for someone to provide what you need. Save up! Have a plan for your life and think about steps to get there.
7. Personal attitude. Have a positive attitude about yourself, be proud of your achievements, continue to grow and learn about life, become the best human being you can be. Be humble when it's appropriate! Be prepared to change your beliefs as more information comes to light. Have an open mind to other ideas. Be positive towards others and their achievements too.
8. Character. Put time, thought and effort into developing your character. What kind of person do you want to be? Whom do you admire? What positive characteristics do you mean to develop in yourself? How will you contribute to society? What positive influence will YOU have on others.

Parents are the key to success
The most powerful influence in a child's life is still their parents. And yet many abdicate this responsibility, handing it over to TV shows, movies, and worst of all ADVERTISERS, who get to choose what influences a child's thinking, how they feel about themselves and their world, what news they see, what music they hear, whose opinion they follow. What we see and hear becomes part of our thinking, which then influences our actions. Who we associate with changes us, even as adults. Our kids must develop the skills to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy influence, to develop discernment. And that is our job to teach them. We must provide good role models for them to copy, because copy they will. The result will be a young adult who knows who they are, is confident in their abilities, is resilient in the face of hardship, is respectful of others, is polite and well mannered, acts responsibly and intelligently and is on the road to their goals and dreams with hope in their heart and a plan of action.

This young adult won't have the time or the heart for slamming others. This young adult will know where to get help if they need it but will be focussed upon striding forward to achieve their goals.

The most powerful antidote to anxiety and distress is hope. Hope in oneself. Hope and trust in others.

ANXIOUS KIDS - How do I know if my child is experiencing TOO MUCH ANXIETY?

Anxiety like never before
Is the situation worse now these days or are we just imagining it? There's no doubt our childhoods were different to those of our children. There are social pressures on our kids that we didn't have, such as (the big one) social media, cyber bullying, media images affecting body image, fewer stay-at-home parents, faster paced everything, dietary changes, less outside play and more.

Some level of anxiety is NORMAL. But a lot of kids seem to suffer too much with anxious thoughts. This is when parents sometimes become alarmed and look for help.

What is 'normal' anxiety?
It's normal to be a little anxious about these sorts of things:

• first day at school
• seeing a new doctor
• meeting a relative you've never met
• being alone in the dark
• going to bed in winter
• a dog barking at you
• hurting yourself
• getting lost
• losing track of Mum when shopping

Normal anxiety:

• feels uncomfortable, but not life threatening. 
• passes fairly quickly.
• is often overcome with encouragement
• can be talked through and managed

When anxiety levels rise and spill over to heightened anxiety that cannot be contained, or the anxiety stops your child from interacting normally, then we're entering into phobias/obsessive thoughts/panic attacks territory.

source

What are the physical symptoms of anxiety?
Anxiety is a natural mechanism in our brains designed to keep us safe from danger. It involves:

• the brain
• blood circulation
• hormonal system
• muscular system

It begins with a thought in our consciousness, which makes us aware of danger. This triggers a reaction in our brain, which causes adrenaline to be released, which raises our heart rate. Blood flows to our limbs getting us ready to run away or fight. The feeling of needing to run is very high. This is a chemical reaction in our body. Perfectly normal. And if the danger goes away or proves to be a false reaction (no actual danger), the chemicals dissipate and our body returns to normal.

Normally, these physical changes are lightning fast and uncontrollable. As soon as the thought enters our head, the changes occur. Similarly, as soon as we realise there is no actual danger, the thought triggers a calming down process.

It is also normal to have sweaty hands and forehead, a thumping sensation in the chest, tingling in the hands. But, as I mentioned, these feeling pass.

How do I know if my child is experiencing too  much anxiety?
Sometimes extra 'sensitive' children may feel anxious over smaller, trivial things. Or children may feel heightened emotions due to trauma they have experienced or are in the middle of experiencing, such as family break-up, death of a loved one, relocation to a totally new environment. Many children with Asperger's Syndrome or Attention Deficit Disorder experience intense anxiety as part of their condition.

There are lots of triggers in a child's life that can cause a rise in anxiety symptoms. This usually passes with time and gentle understanding on the part of the adults in their life.

If a child:

• is having trouble breathing, 
• their eyes are wide and they have a look of terror on their face, 
• suddenly screams 
• hides in their room crying over a trivial matter
• can't stop crying
• refuses flatly to go to school
• becomes physically violent in their panic
• vomits from stress

These are symptoms of distress. Your child needs help. 

How do I help my anxious child?

The first step is to make an appointment with your GP. Do a bit of research and find a GP with counselling experience or one who specialises in children.

Secondly, begin reading up on strategies for managing childhood anxiety. From my work with children and their parents over 28 years I have written a book especially for children. 

12 Annoying Monsters - Self talk for Kids with Anxiety 

It's packed with information, fun activities and is designed to get parents and children talking about this very issue. There are many useful tools in this book that parents and children have loved. It has also been used by psychologists and counsellors in their practices.

My son loved it. I thought it was absolutely brilliant. It was insightful, compassionate and used kid-friendly language. I truly enjoyed reading it. I only wish I had a book like this when I was a child.

– Flavia Young, Publicist and blogger

Your 'Monsters' book is excellent Dawn. I am giving it to my daughter (Special Needs Teacher) to see if she can utilise it in her work as well.

– Harry Mayr, Psychologist

BAD weather and anxious kids

source

When the thunder booms I think its pretty cool and love to snuggle up, but when I was a child I was afraid of it. One night Dad sat me on the front verandah and explained the different types of lightning, how the sound is made when air pressure cells collide and how wonderful rain is for the Earth. I haven't been afraid of storms since.

But I am afraid of wind tearing off the roof.

I have to admit, the screaming sounds and rattling of the windows and roofing iron do my head in. Lots of kids suffer with this same fear. It's perfectly natural to want to feel safe and nature is a powerful force we cannot control. In my work with children over 28 years I have always maintained that knowledge is the key to independence and conquering fears. Knowing how and why things work helps a lot to rationalise what's happening. And so the day after the storm hubby went up into the roof and informed me the house was very solid. A builder came to inspect minor damage due to wear and tear and even he said it was fine. Just needed a bit of silicone on the roof screws.  In time we will replace the tin, but this place has been here for 100 hundred years and isn't going anywhere. Our neighbour said the exact same thing about his house, of a similar vintage.

Focus on the positives
I'm sure there are great youtube clips you could watch with your child to explain the phenomena which frighten him/her. Perhaps have special activities for stormy days, such as drawing and colouring in pictures of stormy weather, adding happy, smiling faces or fun, ridiculous things you could do in a storm if you had super powers. Card games, favourite shows or music would also help. Some people swear by essential oils. 

What you don't want to do
Is check the weather predictions all the time. this will increase anxiety. If you've taken all necessary precautions and are safe, checking wont change anything and can lead to a phobia of weather.

 

6 Steps to calm your anxious child TODAY

I sometimes receive emails from parents who have bought my book or who are part of a group who have recommended it. In reading it, they sometimes want more - more information, more suggestions, validation for their concerns, which are, believe it or not, apparently not legitimate according to some doctors and counsellors.

source

As parents, you know when your child is on the edge of hysteria. You've seen the signs many times and may feel powerless to stop it progressing to that irrational point of no return.

But help is here! With my 6 easy steps to bringing down the anxiety, settling the nerves, achieving a level of peace. Today.

step one -
High levels of stress means your child's cortisol levels remain on high alert constantly and she may not know how to 'come down.' This may result in poor sleep, which in turn makes things worse. To reduce cortisol levels you need to introduce your child's body to the 'feel good' chemicals that are naturally produced in the human body when we exercise. Trampoline, bike riding, skipping with rope, jogging, playing a ball game, running races, climbing trees - anything that gets your child's heart rate up and makes them puff. This has the effect of releasing a lot of pent up anger and frustration, releases endorphins and allows for better sleep.

step two -
Eat fruit and nuts. And by that I don't' mean fruit juice, fruits smashed in a juicer, I mean fresh, lovely fruit that you have to chew! And a variety of raw nuts. (not coated in sugary stuff or salt). The act of the jaw chewing has been found to improve mood, reduce anxiety as well as improving digestion.

step three -
Get your GP to make a mental health care plan, if you are in Australia. It's covered by Medicare. This entitles you to free visits to counsellors or whatever health professionals you choose. Ask your GP which counsellors are recommended regularly by clients at their practice.

step four -

Remove all access to screens of any kind. By this I mean ipads, ipods, laptops, desktop computers, video games, movies etc. Instead, read aloud to each other, play board games, groom the cat/dog/guinea pig, go for walks. Research is showing that screen time and social media have harmful effects upon a child's growing brain and mental health. She doesn't need to be entertained by TV/DVD/video games. She has you. Personal interaction is far more soothing and meaningful.  Don't get caught in the trap of letting your child dictate the terms, saying watching a movie calms him/her. Your child does not need this kind of stimulation!

 

step five -

In a state of high anxiety your child needs low lighting. Darken the room, keep sounds to a minimum. Make sure 'quiet time' is built into every day. 

step six -
This is in the book too, visit your local health food store and let her select an essential oil she feels makes her calm. Add drops to her pillow and put in oil burners in the home. She can even put drops on a hanky and take to school. When she feels stressed, she can pull out the hanky and take deep, calming breaths.

source

So there are my 6 steps to a calmer child today. Exercise, diet, a mental health care plan, no screens, less noise and light and essential oils. try it! And please let me know how you fare.

ANXIOUS KIDS - Why does it happen? What can we do to help?

My background
So, I've worked with lots of different types of kids over 27 years as a high school teacher, Special Education Teacher, Childrens Counsellor and childrens author visiting  schools.

Types of kids
Some kids are obnoxious, but suffering with poor confidence underneath. Some are highly anxious and get into conflict with everyone. Some are hyperactive and no one knows who they truly are. Some struggle to make and keep friendships going and yet are sweet little people. Some walk around in a daze, oblivious to what is going on around them. Some function well and seem happy. Some seem happy but suffer crippling depression and stress that they are incredibly good at hiding from others, including their parents.

See the world through their eyes
For an anxious child the world can be a scary place where they feel ill equipped to deal with what happens. The main thing to remember with any child is that their experience is unique to them. They sometimes feel they are the only person in the world who feels this way and that no one else understands. Accept that this is how they feel, no matter what your thoughts on it. It's important that you say, "So, what you're saying is.... Hm. That sounds difficult." And build from there.

That's why it is so important to LISTEN, even if you don't understand or don't know what to do with the information they give you. To get a snapshot into their world you must first open your eyes. Stop telling yourself that its just normal kids stuff and will blow over, because for this child, it might not. Don't take the risk that it develops into something far more serious than bedwetting or tummy ache before school. Get to the bottom of the problem. It may just be how your child sees the world that is causing confusion and thus anxiety. Are they a bit quirky? Do they have very specific talents and a narrow range of interests? Is their learning style visual, auditory, kinesthetic or multimodal? (see more on that here: Learning styles)

Anxiety is not a cause
Don't look at anxiety as THE PROBLEM. 99% of the time it's something else and anxiety is A SYMPTOM. At the base of all anxiety are thoughts, often very intrusive thoughts that replay over and over and become almost like an unwanted mantra. If your child is naturally anxious, that is, they catastrophise over what might happen and feel sure it will, there are lots of ways you can help! It is not a life sentence to always be at the mercy of your fears or worries.

Books that help
In order to do this you may need help. Some excellent books I have come across are:
12 Annoying Monsters - Self Talk for Kids with Anxiety (yes, I wrote it, especially for these kids)
10 Things your student with Autism wishes you knew
The Whole Brain Child
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What to Do Guides for Kids)
Freeing Your Child from Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias
Anxiety-Free Kids: An Interactive Guide for Parents and Children

Does your child suffer with anxiety or depression? Take this quick questionnaire

What is 'normal' anxiety for children?
Sometimes as parents we worry that our child is coming home with fears or anxieties which seem abnormal - worse than other kids or having greater impact upon our child than the normal cares and worries should. Bed wetting may follow, tummy ache, crying fits, screaming fits, refusal to go to school - what's normal and what isn't? Do we need to DO something?

A simple tool that may help
This little questionnaire is a terrific tool to get a snapshot of our child's state of mind (or even our own).

This link is connected to an Australian doctor, Dr David Richardson, who has spent his professional life exploring the reasons for mental and physical health that fall outside the usual avenues of diagnosis and treatment. He uses natural and traditional remedies, genetic testing and much more. His website shares the HADS - Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale which is used widely and available in the public domain.

complete quiz online
Anxiety and Depression Quiz 

 Below is a PDF version you can download and print.
http://www.scalesandmeasures.net/files/files/HADS.pdf

What's the next step?
Once you have completed this survey with your child (make sure they don't see the results or scale at the bottom of the page, That's adult business.) You can reach out to a health professional, look online for books that may assist you and websites that can direct you to further help. My book was written especially for kids, and is also for adults too, especially those who feel they may have passed on traits to their child.
Click here: 12 Annoying Monsters - Self Talk for Kids with Anxiety

Your parental instincts are usually right
Don't give up! If you really suspect your child is suffering, persist in looking for answers. Sometimes the right counsellor, someone kind who actually understands children and has experience working with them, can change your child's life around.

Why Routines Help Anxious and Super-controlling Kids

You might notice that your anxious child can be quite controlling. This is largely due to that fact that anxious children feel the need to know what is going to happen next and try to prepare themselves. They often assume bad things are on the horizon. Many live in a constant state of stress and cannot soothe themselves. An example would be when you announce you're going somewhere. It could be as simple as going to the shops to get some groceries. The anxious child wants to know which shop, how long it will take to get there, what you've going to buy and when you'll return home. These sorts of questions, when you're trying to get everyone organised and in the car can be a bit of a nightmare!

So, what can you do? Here are some easy steps you can take to reduce anxiety in your child. TODAY!

1. Home routines
An easy way to take down the stress levels is to establish and maintain proper routines. This allows the anxious child to predict what is going to happen, to be prepared and thus less stressed.
MEALS - have dinner at the same time every night, especially on a school night. In our house I start dinner while my daughter is in the shower. When she emerges, shrouded in steam, she is always happy to see me preparing her meal. This calms her and prevents questions like 'when's dinner?'

BEDTIME - Ensure your child has adequate sleep but insisting on consistent bedtime. For young children 7.30 pm means they will get the 10 hours their developing body and brain needs. Yes, that's right, ten hours!
CHORES - Every child needs to contribute to the household by carrying out their chores, which will hopefully become a habit. You're not just teaching them to be neat, tidy and organised, you're teaching them to respectful of others, your home and themselves. Also, children need to feel like they have accomplished something and having chores makes them feel proud when you praise them for it. Our daughter feeds the chickens, collects the eggs and puts out the recycling. Twice a day. Keeping her own room tidy is not a chore, it's an expectation.
READING AT NIGHT - Many studies have shown the benefits of reading to your child at night. Children who are read to score higher on literacy tests, have a bigger vocabulary, read and write better and are more confident. But the greatest gift you get from reading to your child at night is that it calms him/her down, ready to sleep. Choose a good quality book, a little higher than their reading level, to improve their vocab. It doesn't have to be a story. It can be a non-fiction book that interests them, such as: bugs, dinosaurs, machines, how nature works, animals, space and other sciences, myths and legends etc. There's an excellent article on reading to older kids here: reading to older kids

HOMEWORK - Make sure you supervise homework and show an interest in what your child is doing. Homework can be distressing to the perfectionistic or under-achieving child. If you are there to guide and praise it makes homework more fun. If your child is really struggling with the work, you can write the teacher a note, keeping the lines of communication open between home and school.
PACKING OWN SCHOOL BAG - I make my daughter's lunch, but she has to organise her bag herself and get herself dressed for school. We used to have a list on the fridge of what she needed to do. That's no longer necessary.

2. Limit the number and type of questions 
Sometimes questions are a cry for help, sometimes a sign of boredom and sometimes actual, genuine desire to know. I used to get pestered about what was for dinner. Sometimes I don't know until I see what's  in the fridge. So  now I say 'Food.' When she asks what kind, I say 'Delicious food' and no more. She knows not to persist and its become a sort of game. 'I know what you're going to say, Mum - delicious food!' If she asks unnecessary questions, when it's obvious what I'm doing, I say 'Is that a necessary question?' When she asks questions about stuff I don't know or am too tired to think about, such as 'Why does the sun always hurt my eyes?' I say 'Ask me a question I can answer!' If things are really bad and I need some peace I allow only one question every ten minutes.

3. Limit the after-school activities
I have noticed in the last ten years or so that many parents are involving their children in afternoon sports or activities almost every day of the week.  In my teaching work I see exhausted children. They don't have time to complete their homework and have no relaxation time with their family doing simple, home-based things, like cleaning out the garage together, playing in the garden/park, craft activities at the kitchen table or cooking dinner together. Playing is huge part of childhood. Being in the backyard or down at the park is essential for good mental and physical growth. If you are there to join in, it's even better! We have a big backyard, with trampoline, trees to climb, swing, scooter, bike and nearby public swimming pool, so there's never a reason to be bored. If its a habit to play outside instead of turning to the TV/computer/x-box you will find your child is happier and calmer. Trust me! There's an interesting article on tree climbing here: www.wordconstructions.com.au

4. Down time/chat time
Make sure there are at least a couple of minutes in the day when you connect in a meaningful way with your child. You need to sit together, cuddle or make eye contact and really see what is going on in their life today. The standard question, 'So how was school?' will probably get you a monosyllabic response, so be more specific - 'What was the best thing about school today?' Stay in touch with how they feel about their friends, the teacher, their favourite subject, the books they're reading, their frustrations and fears. Be the sounding board they want you to be. No amount of judo lessons, swimming or Art classes can replace what they get from their own parent's undivided attention and love.

5. Formalise your routines in a chart
So that everyone is on the same page and to reduce anxiety and confusion, put your routines on a chart and display it where everyone can see, ie: the fridge. We did this when our daughter started school and it helped enormously. There were fewer arguments. All I had to do was point at the chart and raise my eyebrow! This also gives you the opportunity to reward effort, which is a hugely important part of this whole thing.

6. Be consistent!
In all your decisions and dealings, be as consistent as possible. Don't go back on your word, don't change your mind on a whim. Make your child's life as safely predictable as is possible. Even when you're dog-tired, don't let the child decide what happens in your household. You are the leader. You must lead. Failure to do so results in acute anxiety and a feeling of being unsafe, despite your child's efforts to take over. Say 'because I am the adult and it's my job to look after you and make decisions for you.' Don't be drawn into long discussions about it. You're the boss. Try to be fair and reasonable, but in the end remember, it's not a democracy! Your child doesn't have the knowledge and wisdom to determine their own life just yet. That's your job. Give them little bits of control by presenting a couple of options (pre-approved by you of course) but don't let them direct proceedings. It's a dangerous precedent and they will be watching you closely to see if there are cracks in your resolve.

When children have structure in their home lives, even if they buck against it, they feel safer and more secure. They feel part of the clan.

Children with Aspie traits often find the world a confusing place. Routines and structures help to anchor them and calm them. There needs to be time for play, time for homework, time for meals, time for chat and alone time. If necessary, plot these times on a chart, with the relevant time slots.
We can all benefit from routines. When tragedy strikes it is often our established routines which help us cope.

If your child is on the Autism spectrum you will find excellent resources here: http://www.thelittleredplayhouse.com/

Anxiety in Children - What Can Help?

Is Anxiety more common now?
Yes. I do believe so. Over the 25 years I've been working with children I've seen a dramatic jump in anxiety among them. Of course, every child experiences anxiety at some time in their lives. We cannot, nor should we, shield them from it. But when your child is crippled by anxiety, whether its unusual fears, phases they are going through or a generalised anxiety that persists over a long period, you start to fear yourself that their life will be adversely affected indefinitely. 

What causes it?
There are many reasons for a child being over-anxious: heredity factors, environment factors, significant events, habitual thinking patterns. For every anxious child there is a different set of circumstances that have brought them to this point. In my teaching work I come across lots of smart kids, deep thinkers and quirky learners. These tend to be the kinds of kids who worry overmuch and thus fall prey to anxiety. But often children will develop anxiety issues after a frightening experience or simply as part of their growing up. It is normal for young children to have fears, of the dark, of being lost, of falling over etc. These fears usually change over time and are replaced with different fears as the child approaches adolescence, when fear of social ostracisation is most prominent. 

What can we do about it?
There are many good books on the market for parents and teacher of anxious children but not many books for kids themselves. This is why I wrote my book 12 Annoying Monsters - Self Talk for Kids with Anxiety It was originally written for the children I taught, but as the first 100 copies sold quickly and I began doing workshops in schools, I realised I needed to make this book available to children all over the world. So many parents are desperate to help their anxious child. This book is a fun, informative way to open up the conversation between parents and children. It's also designed as a stand alone book for children to read by themselves and make it their own resource. I've had amazing feedback from parents and kids, psychologists and teachers that this book really helps them.
And that's what it's all about, for me. 
cheers,
Dawn